Feedback

(the hard kind)

Reflect

• What comes to mind when you think of a “difficult conversation”?
• What are some examples of difficult conversations?
• Why might difficult conversations be challenging?

Feedback is extremely important

It’s easy to think we’re “good” at feedback.

Nonviolent Communication Framework

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

Observations

Observing facts about the situation without judgement

Feelings

Describing feelings you have in response to the situation

Needs

Communicating the needs you need met to remedy the situation

Requests

Specific requests you make to get your needs met

Observations

Getting observations right is important, because they form the base that your conversation builds on. It’s tricky to separate observation from evaluation or “judgement.”

Judgement throws us into a realm of good vs. bad. We become preoccupied with judgements, and may end up in a debate of right vs. wrong, which is rarely productive.

We end up focusing on this debate instead of the real problem — how can we work together in a way that leaves us both satisfied?

Observation Examples

With Evaluation: “My pair is too quiet”

(Too quiet for whom? Is there one perfect volume we all must aspire to? Or is there an unexposed need buried in this outward judgement?)

Observation Examples

Without Evaluation: “My pair rarely brainstorms out loud when we get stuck on something”

(No judgements here, just acknowledgements of different strategies. I may personally prefer a little more “spitballing”, and I can communicate that without believing there is something wrong with my pair.)

Observation Examples

With Evaluation: “My pair doesn’t listen to me”

(I can’t read minds, so how do I know this for sure? Is the problem that they aren’t listening, or that I can’t tell whether they’re listening?)

Observation Examples

Without Evaluation: “When I suggest an idea, my pair does not indicate that they have heard me”

(There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with any one way of processing information. Some people think hard on what they hear before they are ready to respond. Maybe I’m used to quicker acknowledgements than his pair is used to giving.)

Activity

How might you respond if you received the following feedback?

1. “My pair doesn’t let me code.”
2. “My pair is only concerned with getting things done.”

Alternatives

“My pair doesn’t let me code.”

“Doesn’t let me code” is a big sweeping statement. Like, they don’t let you code ever? Specificity is one way to guard against an observation becoming judgmental: “My pair grabbed the keyboard away from me three times today.”

Alternatives

“My pair is only concerned with getting things done.”

“Only concerned with getting things done” assumes intent that might not be there. Maybe this pair prefers shorter check-ins than you do. Maybe their ideal pace is different from yours.

The point is, we don’t precisely know what it is that they’re concerned with, and any feeling to the contrary is likely to lead to assumptions and judgment. But we can always speak from our own truth:”We’re moving through iterations faster than I can understand them.”

Common Judgments

Blame (e.x. “this is your fault”) Insults (e.x. “you’re a jerk”) Labels (e.x. “you’re not a big picture person”) Criticism (e.x. “you’re bad at javascript”) Comparisons (e.x. “no one else in the cohort has this problem”) Diagnoses (e.x. “you have a hard time thinking problems all the way through”) Note: this is a big one!

Feelings

There’s a serious cost to not expressing feelings. Other people may have no idea that you feel the way you do, so they have no opportunity to change their behavior in ways that will suit your needs. Keeping feelings in can build pressure and make confrontations more explosive and violent.

Feelings vs. Thoughts

In general, feelings are probably not being clearly expressed if the word feel is followed by:

Words such as “that” or “like”:

• “I feel that you should know better”
• “I feel like I’m a failure”

The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:

• “I feel I am constantly responsible for the group”
• “I feel he is useless pair”

Names or nouns referring to people:

• “I feel Amy has been very responsible”
• “I feel my boss is being manipulative”

Feelings vs. Thoughts

It’s tempting to add these sneaky words to “I feel”, wrapping up blame, judgement, and ego in apparently emotional terms. If you can swap out “feel” for “think” without destroying a sentence’s syntax, you’re probably breaking this rule.

Examples

“I feel you ignore me”

An assumption about the other person. To express this as a feeling we might say: “I feel anxious when you don’t acknowledge my contributions.”

Examples

“I feel Francis is abandoning us.”

Putting negative intent where it doesn’t need to be. Purer feeling expression: “I’m sad that Francis is leaving.”

Examples

“I feel that you’re not focused on getting work done.”

Judgmental thought masquerading as a feeling. Speaking from your own emotions: “I felt mad when I saw you texting during our last standup.”

Activity

Using the Center for Nonviolent Communication Feelings Inventory, can you find a feeling that might underly the two statements below?

1. “I feel you’re not listening to me.”
2. “I feel that you are only concerned with getting through the challenges”

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

3/4. Needs and Requests

It’s important to communicate our needs so that the other person can understand what we require to feel comfortable with the situation. Determining our needs usually relies on some introspection as we reflect on our feelings and what needs are influencing them.

Tips/Things to Keep in Mind

1. Try to use positive language

e.x. “Don’t be so quiet”

How would that make you feel? What do you think an alternative could be?

Sample: “I’d like to hear you contribute your thoughts more often.”

2. Make them clear

Vague language leads to confusion.

e.x. “Be less overbearing”

“Overbearing” is a vague term, I might feel shame about this but also not understand what I’m doing wrong. Find a better way to request the actual behavior you want to see.

Sample: “I’d like you to acknowledge other ideas and share your thoughts on them”

3. Express your request explicitly.

The other person might have a hard time inferring your request from your expression of feelings and needs. Make it easier for them.

e.x. “I feel inadequate because when I’ve brought up ideas you haven’t been willing to try any of them out today.”

This explains a feeling, but doesn’t actually make a request of the other person.

Alternative: We might add “…and I need you to acknowledge my ideas, discuss them with me, and try them sometimes.”

4. Ask for a reflection

As the last step in your dialogue, ask for the receiver to reflect back what you said, to make sure that what they heard and you said line up. “I want to make sure we’re on the same page. Could you please sum up what I just said in your own words?”

Conclusion

Notice a theme running through this entire framework? We might sum it up in three words: CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS.

If you set out to solve a conflict based on your judgements of other people and a desire to set them straight, you’re priming the pump for psychological violence.

But if you can examine your own feelings and needs, and find ways to express them based on a desire to nurture mutual understanding, you’re laying the groundwork for compassion and connection.

Conclusion

90% of this framework is putting down the hammer you want to swing, and picking up a magnifying glass instead.

The more you practice engaging in difficult conversations, the less uncomfortable they may become. We encourage you to practice. We find the NVC framework helpful when having these conversations, but there are more frameworks out there!